


Instinctive Misconceptions

by LordTraco



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life
Genre: Alien instincts, Canon Compliant, Friends to Enemies, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, Resentment, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28206447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordTraco/pseuds/LordTraco
Summary: Haha wouldn't it be weird if literally everything Gordon Feetman did in HLVRAI, from repeating the BBBBBBB noise to providing food to the group could be taken as flirting to a certain Non-Human security guard? Wouldn't it suck if said security guard fully knew this wasn't the case, that his crush was unrequited, but repressing things turned out badly for everyone involved? Here's a fic exploring that idea.
Relationships: Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 19
Kudos: 130





	1. We Need to Eat

Being an alien never bothered Benrey much. In fact the powers he had were pretty chill, and it wasn't super hard to blend in with humans. And blending in with them had perks as well, in the form of video games! And making friends from those video games and with his coworkers at Black Mesa.

All in all his life wasn't super stressful. He had to get blood work done like any guard should, make sure he wasn't giving his pals any diseases. Black Mesa was nice like that, always thinking of their employees. 

This was good, because when he was stressed he wasn't… himself. Tommy liked to say that he acted a little neurodivergent like him, while Benrey always replied that maybe Tommy was a little alien like he was. As fellow orphans it wasn't like they had answers. But who needed answers when you had each other? Who cares if it's alien or human in origin if the therapy helps?

Benrey was proud of Tommy for following his dreams. He was especially thankful for Black Mesa because what other company would look at a man with a sudden OSHA hyperfixation and let him join the audit team, only to transfer a month later to the biology division when he decided to figure out immortality? Obviously he'd follow his bro anywhere, but it seemed the obvious choice to become a security guard to protect that place!

With Tommy's recommendation, Benrey was hired in a snap and suddenly school was a thing of the past. He could spend his time chatting with people or zoning out to game music until his shift was over and then go back to his room to play games. It was the perfect life.

On the rare occasions things got stressful, whether someone was freaking out over nothing in the meat department or having a breakdown over supposed clones, Benrey learned it wasn't his place. Any rise in anxiety spiked weird emotions that stuck with him for days afterwards. He'd usually get through his shift and take a week off just to be safe.

He was strange when stress got to him. He didn't want anyone near, and Mesa help anyone who brought him food out of worry for his health. "Overstimulated" was what they called it, but there was something underneath that. If he were truly overstimulated why was Tommy allowed in? Why were some n00bz ok to come in and chat for a bit? Why did some people bringing him food cause rage while others doing the same brought a level of care he felt frankly guilty over afterwards?

Why did he hold grudges over whoever might have informed him about a disturbance and asked for his help with it? Why did his trust in those who stepped up to say "Don't worry I'll go" increase twofold? Maybe he was just very averse to stress. Nobody had answers, but he tried not to let it bother him.

So when a certain man passed by with a "Howdy" and an inappropriate wearing of his HEV suit that the guards all liked to term a "dick slip", he knew it'd once again be a bad week. 

The new policy was dumb, all the guards knew it, and this Gordon fellow was about the 8th worker to give him and Jeffrem shit about the new rule. And of course he was the first one to not have his passport on him at all, to boot! 

Jeffrem looked ready to straight up deck the guy, so Benrey calmed him down. If only the Sweet voice worked on him.

And of course while doing so, his buddy had to bug him. The whisper couldn't be heard above the tone by anyone but Benrey. "He seems your type." Benrey regretted ever trying to play matchmaker with Jeff now. And if he stayed, the teasing would only get worse. So he made the decision to follow Gordon to "protect him".

Of course everything went to shit. Of course the attractive guy who was fun to tease had to mess up the test and cause some shit to go down.

His best policy with stress was to run off and calm down, which worked fairly well until the attractive guy, Gordon, found him again. He figured it'd be less stressful to stick with the group than kill aliens on his own, wondering if they were somehow his cousins. The teasing cooled his nerves a little, as did being around Tommy. Tommy always did like mean people, it was no surprise he followed Gordon.

It was weird when Gordon saw him light an alien on fire and admitted to being afraid of him. Honesty was so cute on the guy, but it was also a wake-up call. He'd been acting weird a lot around Gordon, and he could only blame so much on stress. It was as if he wanted to check that his… friend… would still accept him with all his not-human-ness. It all had him wanting to make a weird noise, but he trampled down the urge pretty well.

At least until they were in a pipe and he had an excuse. He could just say he wanted to hear it echo, no big. Pro gamer wasn't weird or scary. Just a casual echo test. He could have a little "BBBBBBBBB," as a treat.

Except. Gordon laughed. Genuinely. And responded in kind. It wasn't the exact noise, but as best as a human mouth could do. It meant something. The smile Gordon gave him meant something. Or at least he wanted it to.

The moment Gordon shot the vending machines to get them food, all bets were off. Something instinctive clicked.

...

The first night Tommy fought asleep to talk it out with him.

"It's. It's not just the stress. Tommy this feels all sorts of wrong." 

"Talk it out, I'm here."

"He's. God I feel like a pack animal. I hate this I HATE-"

"Benrey." The gentle voice combined with a hand in his grounded him. "Humans are pack animals too."

That made him feel a little better. "He gave us food. I want to protect him."

Tommy nodded sleepily.

"But. He's also leading us into danger. I know he's trying to get us out. But everything in me screams that he's… he's being a Leroy Jenkins and making us all scramble to protect him."

"But he isn't. Mister Freeman is fighting too. A-and we all want to get out of here!"

"Do we?" Benrey asked quietly, his eyes softly glowing in the dim room like something ethereal. He could see the colors reflecting off of Tommy's concerned face. "How do we know staying in one spot and protecting it wouldn't be safer?"

"We have to eat, Benrey." 

Benrey stood up at that, a hollow feeling in his chest. The "we" didn't seem to include him. And while he had thought of that, it seemed pointless to bring up the idea of eating aliens to Tommy or the others. He passed through a wall so Tommy couldn't follow, cementing in his mind how truly separate he was.

Tommy's remark played in his head over and over as he shot alien after alien, sinking teeth into flesh. It didn't taste horrible, a bit like over-microwaved chicken, but he knew Tommy would never eat this. Certain textures revolted his friend, and he remembered countless times eating double portions of food like this for Tommy's sake. And this time he couldn't just pass him his extra corn or potatoes to make up for it.

They had to keep moving forward. Like it or not, vending machines were going to be the only sustenance available to the humans until they got to the surface. If only humans could switch on Creative Mode, things would be so much easier.

Benrey put his gun down as more aliens approached. This felt right, protecting his group, his territory, his companions. Some actually had the brains enough to flee, but those who didn't fell to his Sweet Voice. He spent the night like that, indulging whatever stupid instincts he'd hidden all his life. 

" _ We need to eat, Benrey, _ " he muttered, holding up a dead headcrab and moving it as if it were speaking Tommy's words. "I know, shhh, I know." He pet the thing while holding it close and sighing out some Sweet Voice. Wasn't that true on both sides?

So he sat there, bloodied and alone, conflicted. He could stay there, carve out a territory and wish the others luck getting out. He could keep them from ever seeing him stressed out and feral with no idea what he was thinking or saying. Or he could continue on with them, protecting them and giving in to his instincts.

It was an easy choice. He had to protect them.


	2. Pigeons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pigeons, are they the solution to this crisis? Can the team stay in one place for just a little? Nah.  
> But maybe that's ok. Maybe things are actually getting better anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to every single one of you who commented on chapter 1! I appreciate you all more than I can say, so I'll say it with a new chapter!!! A new chapter that 100% fits into the timeline of HLVRAI thanks to watching and taking meticulous notes.
> 
> This is a much slower chapter than the first, but we'll get back to a steady rhythm soon.

And so they continued on. Benrey found himself less willing to help at times when the others had things handled. It wasn't like the small aliens were all that bad if you aimed. He could trust the others to take care of, what, two or three of them?

If he could just practice some breathing techniques, look at the water, and calm down, maybe things would improve. Sure it wasn't the sort of water his therapist would ever suggest he imagine, but it was water. If it was water, it was Earth. 

"Look at the water," he said, forgetting it didn't hold such meaning to the one shooting at things. Water was calming and necessary to humans, and to him. It was what made him feel like he belonged against all odds.

Gordon was less than pleased at his antics, so once again Benrey fell back into teasing him. His noises of frustration coupled with his over-the-top hand motions were hysterical. The way his voice trembled slightly was like music. And above all, it was in those moments that he had Gordon's undivided attention.

He only felt a little bad about it, about teasing just to get a rise out of Gordon. He suspected it would backfire, but it made him feel human. It made him feel like a normal human, manipulating with words and actions instead of alien singing. And wasn't wanting the attention of your crush a very human thing?

Benrey turned back to the water as Gordon went to the rest of the group. Alone again with his thoughts, he spat into the water, staring daggers at it as if it had provided the continued thought: Any pack animal would try to get the attention of a potential mate. Wanting his attention wasn't necessarily human at all.

He got up and went to join the group, wanting a distraction from that thought. Except he found the circle too small to join without sitting behind someone. Or sitting next to Gordon. Which sounded like a bad idea. So he appeased himself messing with a barrel until it exploded.

He was just about desperate enough for a distraction to listen to Gordon's words when a pigeon showed up! A real bird! Real food his pack-his group of friends could eat! He started singing at the one Tommy punched.

Tommy's translation was nearly correct, this teal was "needs meal", he wanted this meal for the group! 

Except… killing the tiny thing in a way that would leave any meat on it was tricky. He wasn't in the right mood to sing it to death, as much as he tried. Plus there was no saying whether killing a bird in that way would leave a bad taste or some residual deadliness somehow in the meat. Knowing his luck it'd turn out to be alien poison.

He had the team mostly tuned out to focus on this puzzle. He didn't have a knife, Tommy punching it hadn't done a darn thing, nothing was working and Gordon was watching! The hunter was judging his technique!

He took out his gun and shot the thing, frustrated at the fruitless effort. A part of him he despised said he'd let his hunter down, and another part of him said he'd embarrassed himself in front of his crush, best friend, and the two judgy grandpas. 

"Was that a threat to us? In any way? Barney?"

Gordon said his name wrong twice. He hadn't heard him mess up on anyone else's name even once. No one corrected him, not even Tommy.

That hurt.

He hid it well, acting as if he hadn't heard. Benrey hoped it would sink in, but Gordon remained oblivious or didn't care. Once again he felt excluded. Once again there was a stark reminder that his mate-

-CRUSH! His  _ crush!!! _ Not his mate! His ill-advised crush did not reciprocate his feelings. Benrey tried to pound it into his head as yet another bird found itself in front of him. He shot it, refusing to care as the bullet luckily ricocheted away from Gordon.

He held onto that apathy as Gordon got up to move on. He didn't care when he heard smoke and screaming. He gave a half-hearted "get out" when Gordon rushed past him to reach Bubby. He tried not to let it sting.

He tried not to dwell on the genuine care and fear with which Gordon called out to Bubby. A name he didn't get wrong, of course. No, he tried to focus on moving forward.

"Right this way." He said in a flat mantra, pretending he was some NPC in a video game. Maybe that would make it hurt less. No one cared to get NPC names right. He could play the part, lead him out of Black Mesa, and then play some dumb romance games until he got over the guy.

"What  _ is  _ tha-Did that hit you??" Gordon blew his plan up in two seconds flat with the worry over his safety. Benrey'd dodged the shot when Gordon wasn't looking, but it was still nice that he checked.

But he wasn't done being petty. He stuck with his default sayings as Gordon continued to worry for him over things as silly as fall damage. And kept calling down to him even after it was obvious that he was fine.

As Benrey looked up at his friend, he found himself too caught up in the euphoria of being acknowledged and cared about to continue being petty. His emotions were screwed up, and at this point he just accepted that. Just feel and let it pass. He was fairly sure that was advice he'd heard once.

It was easy to just go back to teasing Gordon after that. He allowed himself the treat of smiling wide when Gordon yelled "I'm sick of you on every level imaginable" from the water. It was fun just watching them all fumble around instead of asking for his help. It made their eventual accomplishments seem more meaningful, like a video game.

Sure he was over here with cheat codes and the ability to help, but if Gordon wanted to play the hero, well~ 

He wasn't opposed to more teasing and watching his crush move around like a drunken ape. Not opposed at all.

When they got to the huge pit with dangling boxes, it actually set him on edge seeing Gordon so afraid. The others were fine as always, despite scaring the man numerous times by falling themselves. One would think that Gordon would be less afraid the more situations their group proved weren't actually deadly.

"Need any help?" Benrey offered, reaching a hand out to Gordon from the higher box. He entertained the fantasy of holding his friend in his arms and floating them both to safety for exactly long enough to miss Gordon's incredulous response and him making the big jump that had scared him moments before.

Benrey shrugged it off again. If Gordon needed help, he'd ask. It was way more fun this way, hearing the victory in his voice when he succeeded. If he happened to cheer him on with some Sweet Voice from behind, it wasn't like Gordon would care.

True to form, Gordon was focused on Tommy, making sure he was ok before heading on with the two eldest of the group. 

That left him and Tommy alone for just a moment. Benrey moved to follow Gordon when Tommy stopped him. He tugged on the fabric just below Benrey's shoulder. Not hard, of course, but it was enough to give him pause.

That was his form of a hug when an actual hug wasn't an option. Whether one or both of them were overstimulated or adverse to touch or simply in a work environment, a tug to the shirt sleeve meant affection and warmth.

Benrey looked back at Tommy. No words had to be shared. He tugged on Tommy's sleeve in return, accepting the unspoken apology. They'd get through this. It'd be ok. It'd all be ok if they stuck together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this, I appreciate you!   
> If you're kudo-ing this, I'm high-fiving you.  
> If you're commenting on this, I'm chaining myself to the Google doc to write more for you as we speak.


	3. Side Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey comes to terms a little more with his instincts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very proud of this chapter, I'll admit. But it's Monday and it's getting updated, darn it!   
> (I kinda got The Sickness™ despite being as cautious as possible... You'd think being stuck at home in bed would have left me ample time to make this, but I spent all of it planning instead of writing.)
> 
> I promise the next chapter will speed up a little more! And be better! I keep wanting to include everything from the whole streams but that's not really necessary.

Benrey can-could you come here?" Tommy asked in a hushed tone when they reached the elevator. He was standing by Dr. Coomer, who looked as calm as ever. Too calm for the way his legs were shaking.

More than shaking, Dr. Coomer's legs looked like they were practically jittering out of the floor! He'd suspect the man able to no-clip if it wasn't pretty obvious he couldn't. At least not on purpose. Probably.

"Let me just stand over here for you to stare at." Bubby took Gordon's attention away with simultaneously the best and most suspicious line Benrey had ever heard. What's worse was that it actually worked! Benrey had to choke back a laugh while going to check on Dr. Coomer.

"Gentlemen I do believe my Power Legs are acting up." Dr. Coomer said softly, but somehow with the same exuberance they'd come to expect of him. "They'll likely cease to work entirely without some healing juice in the next hour… In the next ten minutes."

"There was some a little ways back." Tommy said, fiddling with the gun in his hand. The question didn't need to be asked.

"Ok." Benrey wasn't sure why they were working so hard to keep it a secret from Gordon. It wasn't like they were helping the man's stress levels by having Bubby threaten him to keep his attention away. Oh well, he'd help where he could.

He slipped through the walls before any more could be said, backtracking to a med station to grab a med kit and an HEV kit for good measure. He wasn't about to go all the way back again if he'd grabbed the wrong bone healing juice.

Of course on the way back, it all started to hit him how truly lonely this lively place had become. Without the others to distract him, he felt the weight of the horrors they'd witnessed. Benrey liked to think all his FPS gaming had desensitized him to stuff like this, but it hadn't. It really hadn't. This wasn't some randomized map they loaded into, this was his home. The walls were stories and the floors were memories.

That wall he once got away with falling asleep on. That corridor was where he first met Jeffrem. That light back there was once getting changed by a nice old janitor who gave him a ham sandwich from his lunchbox when asked for his identification. That was before the hard passport rule, of course, so it was fine.

The taste of ham escaped his memory. He could recall how squishy bread was. It's why he liked the ends of the loaf, it had less give. Benrey could remember the time all the other guards surprised him with an entire bag full of bread loaf ends they'd saved for him. Hunter claimed it was a prank, but that week's sandwiches were the tastiest.

He smiled sadly. Those people who cared enough to go through all that effort were dead. Or would be soon. He wouldn't let the aliens cause them agony if he could help it.

The elevator was empty when he got back not even a minute later. Benrey just rolled his eyes, not letting the pain of abandonment sink in for what felt like the 80th time. They couldn't have gone far.

And he was right! He heard their voices in the vents.He liked the vents, there were no memories attached to those metal walls and broken grates. He didn't care if they broke stuff in there. The rules never said anything about breaking vent covers.

At least Benrey thought so. He paused in the vents, listening to the others chat while trying to remember if there were rules in this area pertaining to vents or fans.

"Hey man…" Gordon sounded hesitant and almost scared. Perhaps looming in the dark vent saying nothing was a bit creepy. Whoops. Gordon recovered fast though, and went right back to the questions. "Is this seriously not where we're supposed to go?"

"What are you doing in here?" Benrey asked. He meant to ask why they hadn't waited for him, but Gordon always took things so literally. He cut off the man's confused babbling with what was quickly becoming somewhat of a catchphrase, "I don't think you're supposed to be in here." 

"I know I'm not supposed to be in here! I know!" Time seemed to stop as Gordon put a gentle hand to his cheek. It was so careful and deliberate that Benrey was at a loss for emotions or words. He just let his crush continue making pretty noises. 

No. No those noises were words. Requests for him to do something. He thought he caught "leave" before Gordon just started rambling about how he didn't know what a fan was.

"There a reason why you're following me?" Benrey turned up the usual snark to hide how much a tiny touch had affected him. Gordon was just a touchy feely sorta guy, there was nothing special there, as much as he wished it was.

He heard Dr. Coomer mention a "Super Player Feature" behind them and remembered he had to give the older one the med kits. Thoughts of Gordon really needed to stop overtaking everything else. Sure he was cute and the desire to be close to him was the only thing his messed up brain could agree on but...

Mission completed, Dr. Coomer's legs stopped jittering a little bit when he handed over the kits. Benrey let himself calm down some. Things were normal, everything was normal. He was normal.

Hell, Dr. Coomer being stuck on an alien "rope" and needing help? That was normal too! It was going well and they'd reached another couple vending machines. 

One was unlit and filled with something Gordon stuck his nose up at. He called them spiders.

Benrey barely registered that he was eating them until he heard Gordon yelling not to. It was food, food came from vending machines. He was just eating. He was glad to be eating, glad to be fed. He said so in Sweet Voice with blue to red.

He blinked, his head in a fog he didn't care to get rid of. The pack was fed and moving forward, prattling noises. The eldest was captured by an enemy's lure but quickly rescued. There was a tug to his arm from his sibling. It was of no consequence.

Instinct held him like a gamer holds a controller. It decided his movements, his energy level, his everything. There was no need to fight it. After all, this was only a matter of survival.

They reached more organisms. More that were neither pack nor prey. The hunter questioned his sibling. The fog lessened as he tried to hold onto the words and meanings. Benrey fought hard to keep his humanity, to keep awake and aware when it was so much easier to let it pass by.

"Oh my god there's so many birds! Did we have like a bank?" Gordon looked at the flock of birds incredulously but met Benrey's eyes when asking the next question. "Are these like. Test Animals?"

Test animals. The words ruminated in Benrey's head. The connotations mixed with the look-did he think Benrey was a test animal? Sure, he wasn't human and he was weird, but Black Mesa wouldn't test on humanoids, right? But then he'd never heard about any animal testing besides Tommy trying to make his dog immortal.

"They could have gotten loose from the experiments we were conducting." Tommy also glanced at Benrey while speaking.

Paranoia mixed with anger flooded his system. Did the scientists know something about him that he didn't? He had no answers, but thankfully Dr. Coomer had a very good stress relieving activity to join in on: killing birds.

"Why are you killing them? They're just birds, man!" Gordon complained, rambling on about how the only reason to do so was if they were going to eat them. As if that hadn't been Benrey's idea from the start.

No, the hunter never said these were food. He was justified in riddling anything that wasn't friend or food with bullets. "They shouldn't be here. I didn't let them in." 

That's what it came down to. If the hunter didn't deem it food, it was up to the defenders to deem it threat or not. He would defend his group, his pack, his hunter, his sibling, his elders, his home, his last vestiges of a happy normal life... From anything that dared threaten it. He shot the final pigeon. Whether it wished them harm or not was never the question. If it wasn't allowed in by him, it needed to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the kinda meh chapter. Gimme two weeks and the next one will knock your socks off!!!

**Author's Note:**

> I give up on updating this biweekly, sorry. I can't handle the self-imposed stress of a deadline or the disappointment of dwindling numbers of comments. 
> 
> I will still finish this. I will still share it with all of you. But this deserves to be written as a story, not a desperate plea for the most fleeting of human interactions. If I can reframe it in that way, we'll all get to see how this story ends!


End file.
